Experiences That Don't Make The Resumé
KEEP YOUR FLOW STATE IN YOUR HEART / 10.20.2016
I’m so unforgivably alive, tired now, but awakened. I found one of my flow states today. Perhaps my most beloved flow state. Expressing from within, not searching for words or expression but transmitting truth as I see it in a language that I know and understand—this is what I found today.
My heart is flying
It dips, dives, soars
It did all of the above today
and spiraled in all directions simultaneously
My being feels enriched
I feel free
I’m also burdened because I’ve tapped into a life force that’s never done me right by tapping, but I think I just didn’t have the right approach before. I sought from a place of wonder, curiosity, hunger, and authenticity, and met selfishness and immaturity, superficial hedonism. Years of this has left me scarred.
Part of me was left for dead, forgotten because otherwise, awake, she would only be hurt. After this moment, I promise to have the highest fidelity to personal growth and inner wisdom.
I beam with light and energy when I know my intentions are in the right place, flirting with something so good it’s godly, astounding, surreal to experience. I wondered if I’ll find another non-sport flow state.
I felt so good to be honest with myself and others. Other people could see it too.
Thank you for the experience
Thank you for accepting it
SAN DIEGO, TAKE ME / 11.8.2016
On the corner of B & 20th
We made our mark
Enjoyed and danced
Met and kissed
Discussed feminism and politics
Enhanced our senses, laughed the election into oblivion
At Parq we shined, dined and devoured butt bread with garlic aioli spread, deconstructed racism and the n-word and laid to waste the dance floor, made boys out of men—big hard men, realigned our hips with the fury of our feet, 2 steppin and doin our dance
We rejected the stubborn, overbearing, annoying, international boy and got down with the 33-year-old big ass dancing king.
At the marina, my dreams came true. I floated on water doing yoga on a paddleboard with my best friends—no land, just bikinis and shorts, bare skin to sun contacting plastic and water. The compliments rained in and my intention bore seed in awe of my life.
Qualms arose and old men swept in. We were in a pickle and momentarily stranded in bikinis. Kindness won out in the end. Clothed and sheltered by a sailor of the M/V Laura, we left the marina in the back seats of a lovely couple, still making good time, with another day ahead.
Warm embraces / 11.15.16
Welcomed with warm embraces, one boy at a time
Debated a beer run—
Thought, No I’m dieting, and companionship will satiate my social-emotional needs enough
They offered me one
Beamingly appreciative, gratefulness realizing in an adamant arm grab and breathy “Yes”
Typical friend gesture spoke multitudes of compassion, unbeknownst to him
I make my way up with Weston; the hunt for a cold one
Just what I need
Never kicked the physical/ mental need for a nice brew after severe mental exhaustion; an artifact of college
Cried at least four times in the past five days, not counting tears that defied gravity and clung to my eyeballs
Those hurt just the same
4x for another, 1x for me
Under the supermoon, I’m linked up her - not overly bizarre
Catching up with old friends is so easy. Like tying my shoe. Seamless, the kind of effortless act you couldn’t even dream of because it never eats at you, you don’t wonder about it, it just flows
Turkish delight - girls, boys
Snow season yearnings, recent trips, politics
Gobbling Lil Sumpin’ Sumpin’
I’m happy’ these boys know how to take it easy. It’s why I love boys.
Also resolving to give girls the benefit of the doubt. Initiate with them more.
Can no longer be a hypocritical feminist.
I’m still scared inside.
Hide from judgement.
Shuttle Bunny double white IPA reminds me I also love the taste, not just the feeling
Planet Earth unleashes the curious child in each of us
Aware, marveling, reveling in natural beauty
Comments and jokes slip out reflexively; everyone has a voice, a question, a valid question and opinion
It’s easy. It’s companionship.
It’s a nice change from sadness and routine and flirting with the boundaries of my emotional stability
ICY RESPITE / 12.6.15
Going was never really fun. My first 10 years learning, I was a loser on the board, never progressed because I didn’t care to. Then it mattered, and I was at Cal’s Ski and Snowboard Club. Carving needed to be on lock.
One trip, two days up spent learning—failure. The second day bore fruit; I carved down the iciest slope at Alpine Meadows and had to teach my friend the rest of the day and the whole next trip. After that hurdle, I was enthusiastic. Snow meant friends—old and new—spontaneity, unadulterated fun, silliness, forced goofiness, and awkwardness, which builds character beyond measure.
Sweating and pumping my hips and legs, squatting, making snowballs, eating shit only to get up and repeat—me at my happiest. Fuck everything else, the weekend is just for me, for us, we have each other and we can only have fun—the only rule if the club could have one.
I’ve fallen in love with everyone I rode down a mountain with. They waited for me, looked for me, found me when I was lost, and I them. Lifetimes are lived at that elevation, in that gear, in that weather and temperature. Family is made and everything is shared.
Snowboarding, my first and only one true love because the romantic one has never been as joyous.
White mountains, my muse because the ones that come in flesh cease to stimulate.
Soft, frozen water, my true mentor because people aren’t as wise, omnipotent, nourishing, or constant.
Lessons on lessons, day and night, odes upon odes don’t do you enough praise. You are, naturally, everything to me when I have nothing, you are more when I already have. You’re my motivation to be real, free, creative, fearless, joyous, to feel alive on my own terms. I’m so lucky I found you, got to know you, and stuck around.